Leader of the band.

As far as snow storms go in Southern Oregon, this was a pretty big one. Dad and I had been in Grants Pass most of the day. I don’t remember what all we did that day but bits and pieces of it are as clear as if it happened yesterday. One thing that I remember from that day is that we stopped by Blind George’s Newsstand. It was probably to buy pipe tobacco. Dad smoked a pipe by that point and usually it was Captain Black or Borkum Riff brand. Blind George was shutting down early and either gave or sold the remaining popcorn he had to dad. It was a large garbage bag full. Blind George’s was a true newsstand that sold newspapers, magazines, and a few other items but always had the best popcorn. It was a big day in my life to have that giant bag of popcorn suiting next to me in the square body Chevy. We stopped by to see my dad’s friend that was involved in 4-H and worked with special needs people at a greenhouse. I was waiting in the truck, which is how I spent hours of time growing up with dad talking to someone, and “The Leader of the Band.” By Dan Fogelberg came on the radio. Snow muffled the everyday sounds the way it does, the wipers pushed the clumpy flakes and made piles on the edges of the windshield, the heater and I steamed up the windows, and as I filled myself with buttered popcorn, I listened to Dan singing about the loss of his father. Even though it was a moment of rare peace and contentment in my childhood the song made me cry as I listened to it. I had heard the song before as it must have been a hit at the time, but sitting in the truck by myself I really listened. Dad eventually got in the truck and we drove home in the deepening snow and I was able to share the treat of the popcorn with the rest of my family.

My dad took his own life 8 years ago this week and that song always makes me think of him. He had told me years before he might kill himself but I always thought he was saying it to make me feel guilty or manipulate me. I think sometimes there is more behind the words our friends and family say than we can allow ourselves to believe in the moment.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 or visiting 988lifeline.org If you are trying to reach a 988 call center in Virginia using an out-of-state area code, you can call 703-752-5263.

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B017YTC08O?do=play&trackAsin=B017YTC4QC&ref=dm_sh_z1zQKKF7tCwXMDNuOZtudCnOX

A Scout is Trustworthy. A weighty obligation.

Here is a Scoutmaster minute I wrote for an Eagle Court of Honor.

It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently. -Warren Buffett

I’m not sure if you’ve heard about it yet but there was a controversial end to a Walleye fishing tournament in Lake Erie this past weekend. It involved weighty allegations of cheating against the tournament champions. This particular team was well known in their fishing community and they had many previous wins and a solid reputation.

Heading into the final weigh in they were once again in contention. The tournament organizer had the top three teams weigh in last to build the excitement and drama, which is typical for this type of competition. They needed about 16 more lbs to win. They ended up with about 33 lbs. However, when the crowd and the organizer saw the size of the fish compared to what they weighed, based on their extensive experience, they knew (wait for it) that something was fishy. The fish they caught looked to be between 4-5 lbs each which is about average for a walleye. This team’s fish weighed in at about 7 pounds each.

The organizer asked to inspect the fish and when he felt them he had a sinking feeling. He called for a knife and for someone to video as he cut the fish open. A large amount of lead weights and even some fish fillets were pulled out. Things got pretty ugly after that. The other contestants were rightfully angry at the cheaters that had been exposed. Some folks called for law enforcement, some cursed them, and some called into question immediately the other wins this team had in the past.

We’ll never know if this team that had won tens of thousands of dollars in the past and stood to win about $27000.00 with this win, ever cheated before this or if it was a one time act of desperation. The truth is is doesn’t matter. For most of the folks in this sport, it’s more about bragging rights and reputation than the money anyway. These men’s reputation will never recover from this mistake.

Ben, we’ve talked about the solemn obligation you now have to represent the Scouting movement and our troop as our newest Eagle. Remember, one proves themselves Trustworthy over time and, like your reputation, Trustworthiness is something earned not given. It’s a fragile thing too.

Little Shasta Camper

The camper looked similar to this one.

My family of six outgrew our 2 bedroom singlewide trailer perched on a hill in Oregon sometime around when we perched it there. Dad found a little camper which became my bedroom I shared with my older brother, Tom. It was probably only 12–14 feet long and featured a dining area in avocado green vinyl that converted to a bed that Tom slept on, a bed at the opposite tailend of the trailer where I slept, a stove, closet, and a furnace that didn’t work to my recollection. During the winter we had an electric space heater that kept it from freezing. We had power courtesy of an extension cord run from the adjacent singlewide. Occasionally the skin of the camper and door handle would become energized if it rained too much. It was Oregon. It rained too much. When Tom folded up his bed you could sit at the fold up table and play cards or cribbage, which we did some. It might have had a sink but we never had it hooked up.

In the summer, it was like a solar oven and without an air conditioner it soon became too hot to stay in it. I don’t remember what we did before we built the summer kitchen (probably just cooked) but once we did, that became our summer bedroom. The summer kitchen was a large pavilion we built down the hill about a hundred yards from the trailers. Like everything on our property, it sat on a spot leveled by us on the side of the hill. It was pretty big probably 60×30 and had a yellow fiberglass corrugated roof. Three walls just had lattice for walls and the fourth had an office dad built and a tool shed accessible from outside that faced the large terraced garden. Dad used to find places that were busting up side walks or slabs and we would go and harvest the concrete in large chunks with a sledge hammer and bolt cutters. These flat pieces of concrete 6-8” thick and in various sizes anywhere from 2-4’ wide and long got used as pavers in the summer kitchen that he poured a slab around and as building blocks in retaining walls that we built and back filled to terrace the property. The office had a similar floor but he used logs for pavers there. True to the name, it housed a kitchen. A sink, stove, flat top griddle, fridge and a deep freeze. It had a 40 foot table on one side with school bus benches welded end to end forming a huge bench seat. The other side had benches and maybe a church pew to sit at the table. Tom’s bed in the summer kitchen was a queen sized bed hanging from chains from the rafters. It was attached to the four corners of the bed frame but at a single point on each end of the bed where it attached to the rafters. Picture a giant porch swing bed. I had a mattress on the floor nearby and spent the summers sleeping under a roof but essentially outdoors.

Family in the summer kitchen. You can see the table and bus bench behind dad.

Paul

My dad would have been 80 two days ago. It’s funny because I never saw him as old even when he was. I remember the second or third to the last time I helped him move and he was huffing and puffing carrying his end of one of his 300 lb. wood stoves. It was the first time I ever saw even a hint of physical weakness and he was well into his 70’s and a smoker. It kind of freaked me out. Even when he had open heart surgery and was recovering, I saw him as a force to be reckoned with.

My dad took his own life on or around February 24th, 2016. It took the medical examiners some time to positively identify him as he set fire to the camper he was living in before using the shotgun. They used the day he was discovered as his official death date. I had not spoken to him in about a year prior to his death. This estrangement was not atypical for us as we had other stretches of up to 7 years before where we had quit speaking to each other. My father had always struggled with some mental health issues but had always avoided or all out refused treatment or even diagnosis. He did get sent to Petersburg once for evaluation after I had him arrested for assault and he had removed most of his ear with a filet knife. Nothing came of it really. He was released and I got a restraining order which I eventually ignored. I wonder sometimes, if he had been treated, if things would have been different.

I had thought about what the end of my father’s life would look like prior to his death. I knew he wasn’t ever going to end up in a nursing home. He simply wasn’t built for that. He was miserable in the short time he was in the rehab center after his heart surgery. He didn’t do well with neighbors that close or with “broads” telling him what to do. He was also never going to quit smoking his pipe. I thought he might die in a standoff with the police, in an auto accident, or simply disappear. Honestly, if he had died peacefully in his sleep that would have been more of a shock than the way he went.

It has been tough dealing with the loss of my dad. It has been tough dealing with his suicide. It has been tough not really talking about it. I’ve had friends lose parents but for the most part they lost someone they had a good relationship with. Having lost my dad without mending things is difficult. I’m blessed to have a wife I can share some of my feelings with. I have also attended, on two separate occasions, suicide survivor support groups. Talking about what happened and getting stuff off my chest has helped me. I had spent some time telling a group about how my dad had been so terrible to me and how I had bailed him out over and over again financially and the moderator said, “It sounds like you really loved him.” It was like she hit me with a brick. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was grieving the loss of someone I loved since I had never associated love with my father. It helped. I did love my father even though he was a deeply flawed, damaged, and tortured soul. I mourn the loss of a father and grandfather I wish he could have been. I’m thankful I allowed him to meet my wife and his grandsons. https://m.farmvilleherald.com/2016/03/paul-charles-camp-jr/

If you are someone that has lost someone to suicide I encourage you to take care of yourself and to listen to your gut when you need support. Like I mentioned earlier, I have attended a couple of support groups. I just searched for grief support groups on days I was struggling and both times there was a meeting in the city I was working in that day. Mental health is important and survivors of suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves. Here are a couple of resources: Suicide hotline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Alliance of Hope Suicide for survivors http://www.allianceofhope.org/alliance-of-hope-for-suic/support-groups.html

What’s in your pocket?

I thought I’d share a couple of items that have been part of my EDC (Every Day Carry) for a few years now. The first is the CRKT Northcliffe pocket knife. It is what I consider a gentleman’s dress knife. It is handsome with a mirrored finish that goes nicely with the ebony inserts. It is a decent sized knife. Most knives you think about in this category are much smaller. The Northcliffe, designed by Steve Jernigan, has an overall length of just over 7 inches. The blade is 2.9 inches long and perfect for slicing up an apple or opening a package. The blade has a drop point but not a traditional drop point shape. It reminds me of a leaf and I find it pleasing to the eye.

The Northcliffe is the only knife I’ve bought twice. I lost it and after looking for it for months, I broke down and bought myself another. The original turned up at my brother’s house and returned a year or so later. I now have a back up, which is great. The CRKT website lists it as discontinued which makes me want to buy a couple of more to last me the rest of my life like that time Speed Stick discontinued Fresh Scent solid deodorant (in the blue stick not the powdery white) and I bought it all up in a three county area….

The other item I carry in my pocket everyday is my Fisher Bullet Space Pen in chrome which I bought to pair with my knife. I had been previously introduced to the Space Pen by my father-in-law. This pen is super compact, writes well, and looks good. The Space pen was actually designed to work in space. It can write upside down, will work in extreme temperatures (-30-250F), can write underwater, and in zero gravity. The Fisher website says that the Bullet pen is on display at some fancy design museum in New York City, so if you need a second opinion on its good looks, there you go.

My Space Pen actually started to come apart at one point and I contacted Fisher asking them if they made a model that screwed together rather than being pressed together. They informed me that my pen did screw together and that if it was coming apart it was not supposed to. I mailed it back to them and they replaced the whole pen, sent me a patch, extra o-rings, and fresh ink! The whole customer service experience was top notch.

You can purchase a Fisher Space Pen for around $20.00.

I’m interested to hear about what you carry daily so leave me a comment.

https://www.crkt.com/northcliffe.html

https://www.spacepen.com/

Revival

I have decided to resurrect my defunct blog page. I will write about what I know but some about what I don’t. I have many interests and maybe I’ll touch on a subject that resonates with you. I’ve been through a lot since I last posted. I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes and obstructive sleep apnea. We had another boy. My father killed himself. My weight has gone up and down and I am still struggling with it…I weighed in at 308.4 lbs this morning (now yesterday morning). I’ve become a Scout Leader and have now served as a Den Leader and Assistant Scout Master for 6 years. I will discuss camping and camping equipment including some reviews. I think I have something to offer in this cyber age and I hope to grow a readership over time. As of right now, I have a single follower. Seems like a poetic place to start. Please send me some feedback and/or topic ideas.

There is a new website raising money for a game table in Buck’s memory. Check it out and donate. http://buckstable.bbnow.org/index.php

Campcite

I grew up during the depression.  My childhood looked a lot like your grandparents.  Times was tight.  We grew a huge garden, had chickens, made our clothes, and listened to Fibber Mcgee and Molly.  Never hear of them? Exactly.  I listened to the radio all the time growing up.  Having no television, it was natural to do just that.  We had a few options up on our mountain.  We even ran some telephone cable from our stereo up the hill and up a tree to get better reception.  There was a rock station, KFMJ 97, I believe.  I had a bumper sticker on my sax case from that station because it passed the cool test.  My coolness was short lived though because I was a middle school band washout.  There was KAGI and KAJO too, although I don’t remember their formats.  I know we listened to some Top 40 stuff and some country western.  In the 70’s some country acts…

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Hasbro delivers on promise. (Photographic Proof)

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Hasbro came through on its promise and sent me a replacement Marvel Super Hero Squad Heli Carrier. We opened the box and there she was in all her glory. The battery door was installed on the previously assembled and properly decaled Super Hero Squad Headquarters and it worked perfectly. In fact, if you hold down the trigger it plays the theme song.  I am beyond satisfied with the customer service experience.  No doubt, I will be supporting Hasbro in the future. I have included a slide show in this blog entry that shows the mailing label, the toy, and the airplane I made out of the box it shipped in.  Even the Hasbro box played well. To all those naysayers out there that thought that Hasbro was feeding me a line to get me off the phone, you have been hurt in the past, let it go before it destroys you. Hasbro can restore your faith in giant conglomerates and American customer service.

Unpaid product endorsement.

Buy Hasbro toys for your kids. Jack just celebrated his fourth birthday and one of the presents I got him was the Hasbro Marvel Super Hero Squad Heli Carrier. Super Hero Squad, for those readers that don’t know, is a cartoon featuring Marvel Super Heros like Wolverine, Ironman, etc. Jack loves the show and it beats the hell out of some of the crap that passes for cartoons these days like that show with the Chinese girl and her Grandpa. So this toy, like so many toys these days, was packaged like it contained anthrax. It had the wire ties, shrink wrap, rubber bands, and various other excessive restraints. There was some assembly required including decals which are my personal favorite. I know I am not really selling this toy right now but just wait it’s coming. I get the whole thing assembled, including decals, and go to put the batteries in and realize the battery door is missing. I then root though the couch cushions, the two garbage bags full of packaging and wrapping paper and can’t find it anywhere. It is one of those battery doors with the small Phillips head screw in it that is normally screwed shut so I eventually decide it is missing from the factory since the box was hermetically sealed. It still played well without the batteries and was crash tested by several four year olds and still managed to shoot plastic disks that Jack refers to as chicken pox. I told Jill that I would contact the company about getting a replacement battery door to which she responded with something like, “Good luck with that.” I had purchased the toy online from Toys R Us so I had no store front to appeal to. So today I summoned the courage to face the hell that is customer service and like a superhero called the Hasbro customer service phone number to demand justice. I told my co-worker, as I dialed, to wish me luck. The phone rang once and was immediately answered by a HUMAN. I was stunned. I was actually waiting for her to tell me what button to push. I told her what had happened and she asked if I still had the packaging to which I replied, “No.” She then found the manual online and the product number. She said, in her clear native-born American English tongue, “Unfortunately there are no parts available for that toy. We’ll just have to send you a replacement.” She got my address and is going to send me a whole new toy. I told her it was one of the best customer service experiences I had had and how shocked I was to talk to a real live person that spoke English. They sell Nerf, Playskool, Transformers and many other brands. I will be spending more money with this company; you should too.

*11/18/2011 I just remembered I should be pushing Hasbro for Christmas.

Train Wreck

I have recently reached an important goal.  That goal was to get below 280lbs.  That is significant because that is the weight at which my Dr. told me I would fall below the MORBIDLY OBESE line.  I still have a lot of work to do but I think that it is important to reflect on the accomplishment and the struggle to get to this point today.  The following posts are from my now dormant MySpace account:

Monday, October 23, 2006 

Weight loss Current mood:   determined Category: LifeI am planning on losing some weight and thought I would post weekly updates on my progress.  I hope to keep up with this so an occasional kick in the ass may be required.  I think that 220lbs would be a healthy weight for me but my short-term goal is 250.  My official weigh in for 10/23/2006 is 300lbs which is an all time high…

“I hope to keep up with this?”  I had failed in my mind before I had even started.   Read on…

  

Nov 20, 2006 Weight loss

11/20/2006 weigh in 296 down 1 lb.  I thought having to post my weight would make me make me work harder at losing… I find not so much.  I have a dark beer habit that may be affecting my progress.   I might have to get off my fat ass and exercise.  Quitting drinking isn’t going to happen… I’m no quitter.

Humor is one of my defense mechanisms obviously.

  

Oct 1, 2007 Weight loss 10/01/07 weigh in 300lbs.

Current mood:determined

O.k. I am going to lose some weight.  I tried to blog about it before and kept it up only a few weeks and got nowhere.I realize that I have to hold myself accountable and not put all of the pressure on you the readers of this blog.  Encouragement is encouraged but not required as I am doing this for myself and my family.  The doctor says I am Morbidly Obese.  I have to get to 280lbs. to drop below that line.

Ruh Ro.

  

Oct 16, 2007 10/16/2007 Weigh in 300 lbs no change

Current mood:enraged

Frustrated…I did walk this morning though.

Oct 29, 2007 10/29/2007 weigh in 295 lbs. loss of 3

Current mood:happy

No drinking this week another 3 lbs lost. Must be a coincidence…

Nov 12, 2007 11/12/2007 weigh in 295 no change

Current mood:sick

No weight loss this week.  I am going to step up the exercise regimen.  The cold weather has stopped me from walking w/ Jack so I’m considering joining the gym.  My Dr. appointment went well. He said I had lost 6 lbs and my BP went from 140/90 to 128/90.

Jan 7, 2008 Weigh in (late to post) 295 up 1 lb.

295 lbs. I am starting Jill’s crazy diet today, which is based on Dr. Phil’s rapid start diet from before he sold out and became Springer.

Jan 28, 2008 weigh in 283 down 3

Current mood:optimistic

3 more lbs. to go and I won’t be morbidly obese anymore.  My Dr.’s appointment is tomorrow.  Hopefully my triglycerides will be lower.

Feb 7, 2008 weigh in 282lbs loss of 1

Lost one which is great considering I have had some beer over the weekend and all.

TWO LBS away from the goal…Did I make it?  Nope.

Apr 28, 2008 Weigh in 291 lbs.

Current mood:sore

O.k. I have been slacking off lately diet and exercise wise.  I have gained 8 lbs. back since my last post as a result.  I am back on the wagon though.  I purchased and set up a new elliptical machine last night.  I did 20 minutes this morning which about killed me.  In fact I had to stop at 2 points in that 20 minutes.  By next week I am confident I will be able to go the full 20 with no breaks.

Anyone detecting a pattern?

  

Weigh in 299

Current mood:sore

I hope to stick to my exercise routine this time.  I need to get my weight and blood pressure down.  I guess if it were easy we all would look like Michael Phelps.  20 minutes on the elliptical this morning…

weigh in 301.4 lbs

Current mood:aggravated

Yikes!  I seem to be going the wrong direction.

Well, that was painful to read huh?  December 1st I weighed in at my office at 308.  We started a Biggest Loser contest and I am now below 280.  I will be 250 or below by April 4th.  I guess the contest encouraged me because I am competitive but I am now on board the weight loss train.  There is a veggie tray in the Club Car if you care to join me.